By: Sean Savoie 

Keep in mind that the principles involved in writing this essay are of good use to those readers who also write for business purposes. The College Board gives an essay the highest score of 6 for, among other reasons, the following: 

“The writer demonstrates outstanding critical thinking by focusing on clearly appropriate examples from ‘Literature, psychology, and our personal lives’ to support this position.”

“This well-organized and clearly focused essay demonstrates coherence and progression of ideas. The essay consistently exhibits skillful use of language and demonstrates meaningful variety in sentence structure.” 

            I completely agree with the College Board assessment of this essay. In order, however, to better understand the flexibility of style that may achieve a high grade by the standard of the College Board, we should examine another essay which the board claims is a level 6. This essay and other practice may be viewed on the Internet at www.collegeboard.com. Notice how different this essay is from the one published last week. There are a few grammar mistakes, yet this does not prevent the student from attaining the highest score of 6. Again, carefully read the assignment before reading the example essay below.

Assignment: Are people motivated to achieve by personal satisfaction rather than by money or fame? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

In today's decadent society, many things are not as they should be. As a member of my generation, I can look around at my fellow contemporaries, and say that many of their values are misplaced, or wrong altogether. The reason for this diversion from a life of strong values is not the fault of our generation alone, however. We, as teenagers, are targeted by an adult world, many of whose values are so far gone, it is almost as if they never had any to start with. And, also, the majority of teenagers' main source of incoming information, television, is chock full of poor role models, and disgusting, often perverse forms entertainment. Am I a total cynic? No. I know that there are still good people out there, who have strong values, and are not driven by the forces of money, greed and materialism. But often, these islands in a sea of decadence are overwashed and overlooked. For that reason, I will trumpet those few heroes of society who still believe in the ideals of personal success, and the betterment of the world, rather than those who would sacrifice it for superficial gain.

A very good example of someone like this is Mario Lemieux, owner and player for the Pittsburgh Penguins. As a former hockey player, I have always admired Lenieux, who exhibits good sportsmanship, and is one of the greatest hockey players of all time. Lemieux stunned the world through the 90's, leading the team to two Stanley Cups, and also leading the league in scoring for several seasons. When Lemieux retired, many thought they would never see the day again when Lenieux would once again take the ice. Then, years after his retirement, the team went into bankruptcy. Lemieux, surprising everyone, bought the team out of bankruptcy, at a monetary loss to himself. And when the team was in a slump, Mario then decided to take the skates once more to help his team out of the gutter. Again, Lemieux gave up money to do this because he could not afford to pay himself a salary. And even after he came back, Lemieux is arguably one of the best players in the game.

Lemieux's personal decisions to give up his material monetary possessions to play for personal satisfaction is a great example to us all.

End

            On its website, the College Board contends that this essay is a level 6 by stating (with some content taken out) the following:

            “This clearly focused essay demonstrates clear and consistent mastery. The writer exhibits outstanding critical thinking in supporting the point of view… The sustained example of Mario Lemieux provides effective and insightful support for this position, as the writer smoothly progresses through a chronological account of Lemieux's career that emphasizes not only the hockey player's skill but also his ‘good sportsmanship’ and several ‘personal decisions to give up his material monetary possessions to play for personal satisfaction…’ Overall, this well organized essay demonstrates clear coherence. Throughout, the essay shows skillful use of language in its selection of a varied, accurate, and apt vocabulary and demonstrates meaningful variety in sentence structure…”

            The College Board score of 6 seems generous. My personal assessment of the essay is not quite as positive. I would give the student a score of 5. Although this student has clear control of the English language, exhibiting varied and effective sentence variation, controlled development of the main idea, and excellent use of vocabulary, he or she does not directly answer the question. Instead, the student writes that he or she will “trumpet those few heroes of society who still believe in the ideals of personal success, and the betterment of the world, rather than those who would sacrifice it for superficial gain.” Does this mean that few people still believe in these ideals? Also, the example given is of a man who is already famous and successful, which hardly speaks for the masses of ordinary people and their daily choices. Also, it may be argued that putting a hockey puck into a goal does not necessarily lead to “the betterment of the world”. In this regard, I find the essay examined in last week’s issue of the New York Community Times far better supported with its multiple examples.

            It should be good news to many students that the essay above received a score of 6, as this level of writing is far more easily attained than that of the essay published last week. However, this makes me personally wonder if a higher grade is given to a student who answers the question in a way that inspires the person grading the test. Is the grader a hockey fan? Should students write what they think the reader wants to hear? For the sake of Academic America, let us hope not.