Noun Clauses to Improve
Conciseness
By: Sean
Savoie
See if you can identify the ten noun clauses below:
How you live and plan
for the future depends quite a bit on what chances you have had and what choices
you have made. How well an immigrant speaks a foreign language, for example, is
a direct result of how much that person has practiced, what was studied and if
that student could concentrate. Whoever really wants to succeed in speaking
English will almost always get more opportunities. Unfortunately, how much time
recent immigrants have to read and speak English depends on how often they are
able to speak at work, home or with friends.
1. People should consider the right
time to buy a house before buying one.
When to buy a house is
an important consideration.
2. It is difficult for people to know
if their investments are risky or safe.
How risky investments
are is hard to determine.
3.
You might want to consider if the contract could be changed or has to remain the same.
Whether the contract is
flexible is important.
4. It took a long time to identify the
person who was responsible for the crime.
Who the criminal was
took a long time to discover.
Both sentences 2 and 4 above are examples of delayed
subjects. Notice in 2 that the noun clause is singular, resulting in the “are is” construction. Take a look at how delayed subjects may
be changed.
1. It would be a huge mistake to
underestimate her.
Underestimating her is
a mistake.
2. It is not necessarily a good time
for you to plan the whole year ahead.
Planning the whole year
now may be a mistake.
3.
It is a waste of time, not to mention money, if you want to buy something that
you will never use.
Buying
and not using something wastes time and money.
4.
It is understandable that some people do not have an interest in getting
involved in starting a new business.
Not wanting to start a
business is understandable.
Sentences are easier to write concisely when the most central
idea is the subject. In general, limiting pronouns (I, we, you, it, etc…) makes
a sentence and paragraph more concise. For some practice, see how well you can
rewrite the three wordy paragraphs below:
Weak and wordy paragraph 1:
It seems pretty clear that if you choose a
state-provided attorney, the probability that you will avoid conviction is
increased on average. Or is this true? I think the best way to decide if you
want to pay for a lawyer is for you to weigh the severity of the crime that you
did and the time that will be required before the case will be resolved. Also,
there is the fact that court appearances are quicker if you hire a private
attorney, because a private attorney’s cases are heard by a judge before those
heard by attorneys who are provided by the state. (104 words)
Revised paragraph 1:
On average, choosing a state-provided attorney will increase the probability of
avoiding conviction. Or is this true? Weighing the severity of the crime and the
time required to resolve the case is best. Hiring a private attorney expedites
the court appearance because a judge hears those cases before those of a
state-provided attorney. (53 words)
Notice that about half as many words were used to express exactly the same
meaning. Look carefully at how the grammatical subjects have been changed and
how unnecessary pronouns are not used in the revised paragraph.
Weak and wordy paragraph 2:
So many people feel that Christmas causes
them stress, and you know they are right. You have got to admit that all of the
things that need to get done to prepare for the holiday season can give all of
us a headache. We can take for an example all the shopping, family arrangements,
eating, and traveling that so many of us need to schedule and deal with. It
would be the very best for us to not get too personally frustrated and pace
ourselves for the ordeal. It is true that many good memories come from times
when family and friends get together. (104 words)
Revised paragraph 2:
Christmas causes stress because of all the preparation required for the holiday
season. Consider all the shopping, family arrangements, eating, and traveling
that need to be dealt with. Pacing oneself and not getting personally frustrated
about the ordeal is best. After all, good memories come from family and friends
getting together. (51 words)
Again notice how unnecessary elements in the wordy paragraph are taken out
because they do not add any meaning. The revised paragraph makes the same point
with fewer than half the words.
Weak and wordy paragraph 3:
We often like to believe that we have a lot
of safety when you know that we are not completely safe. People have a need to
feel that the efforts that they made over the years will not be wasted because
of a lack of safety that they may have been able to prevent. It would be a good
idea for those people to simply do what they can to be safe and not worry too
much about the things that they can not change. I firmly believe that the best
way to avoid the feeling that results from loss is if you do not consider
yourself so attached to the material things that you have achieved and now
possess. (120 words)
Revised paragraph 3:
Believing there is safety even in its absence is preferable. Feeling the ability
to prevent the loss of time-consuming achievements is necessary, yet doing what
can be done to be safe and not worrying about what is out of one’s control is
best. Non-attachment to possessions and achievements will reduce the feelings of
loss. (54 words)
Note that taking people out of an idea makes it seem cold. Although writing concisely is efficient, the writer always has the final choice and may decide to make a point more personalized by including him or her self, the reader, and/or people in general into the essay. Having the ability to do both gives the writer the most powerful tools and flexibility necessary to construct an outstanding piece of writing.