Oil Painting Sentences

By: Sean Savoie 

            The homework from the last article was to take the four sentences below and embellish them while keeping the main clauses the same:

            He got on the bus. He spoke to the man sitting next to him. He looked at the bus map. He got off the bus.

            It was fun to receive some creative ideas emailed by readers of this article. My favorite one is quite simple and creates a vivid environment (setting) in the paragraph below:

            Tightening his charcoal gray overcoat against a sudden burst of cold wind, kicking snow off his oversized hiker boots, he, Bill Jackson, the victim of twenty years of being chauffeured in a limo, got on the bus for the first time in his life. Having sat and fully taken in the sullen, resigned mood of the thirty or so people, most of whom looked to be returning from work, he spoke out of curiosity to the heavily-tattooed man sitting rigidly next to him and found out that some ball team had just lost the playoffs. Distracted somehow about where he had to get off, he looked at the bus map, which made no sense at all, and tried to ignore the strong body odor of the insecure-looking body builder brooding next to him. Completely out of his element and nerves already shattered, he quickly got off the bus, wondering why he had so convinced himself that being together with people would do him some good.

            The above example is only four sentences and creates the setting clearly because the imagery gives context to both the person and his relationship to the environment. Keep in mind that although previous examples have been more narrative, sentences in academic essays can be constructed in the same way. We should now take a single sentence and explore some ways to arrange it by adding to it as we have in the last few lessons.

            Example sentence:

            Martin Luther King, Jr. will remain an American hero.

            Extended sentence 1:

            In following the path such as that of Gandhi and other virtuous leaders who use non-violent, passive resistance against unfair law, Martin Luther King, Jr, having pushed firmly in his writing “Letter from Birmingham Jail” to prevent extreme violence from occurring, will, if we continue to live in a democratic country, remain an era-changing American hero as great as any other of our history.

            OK, now take the same example sentence and garnish it a different way. Keep in mind that the same information can be moved around the main clause in ways that may often feel smoother, or as I usually say, “Read better”.

            Extended sentence 2:

            In his writing “Letter from Birmingham Jail”, written to prevent extreme violence from occurring, Martin Luther King, Jr, following the path such as that of Gandhi and other virtuous leaders who use non-violent, passive resistance against unfair law, will remain an era-changing American hero as great as any other of our history if we continue to live in a democratic country.

            Notice how the first example has 7 commas whereas the second example has only 5. Fewer commas does not always mean that a long sentence is better, but it does read more smoothly.

            Extended sentence 3:

            “Letter from Birmingham Jail,” written to prevent extreme violence from occurring, captivated people, following the path such as that of Gandhi and other virtuous leaders who use non-violent, passive resistance against unfair law, was penned by Martin Luther King, Jr., who will remain an American hero who changed eras and is, if we continue to live in a democratic country, as great as any other hero of our history.

            In the first two examples, Martin Luther King, Jr. is the subject of the sentence. In the third, “Letter from Birmingham” serves as the subject. This difference brings up a crucial distinction; a paragraph ideally focuses on one aspect of an idea, much like a single essay focuses on a single issue or topic. Therefore, using the subject of the paragraph as the most common grammatical subject of the sentences in that paragraph gives the whole paragraph more clarity. This, however, is not an essential rule, but notice how the third example is a touch more confusing. When revising a paragraph of your own, ask yourself this: “If the subject of each sentence is not the main idea of the paragraph, how does it function?” Play with the sentence!

            Effective revision of an essay requires getting away from your work. Just like any art form…….and I do mean ANY; there is a discrepancy between how the artist and the audience perceive an expression. A painter should stand far away from his or her art and get distance in time, as well. Write a rough draft and then wait two or three days before reading it again. When you read your essay the next time, try to read it as though another writer had written it. Be critical!