Paragraph Development and SAT Essay Example

By: Sean Savoie 

            In order to continue into our study of paragraphs, we should first take a look at an effective way to combine the sentences below (from the last lesson) using adjective clauses. 

Sentences to combine to create a well-written paragraph:

My business partner is promoting a product.

This business partner works in the office across from mine.

This business partner’s product will change the way in which people communicate at work.

His son gave him the idea for this new device.

This son studies at MIT.

The device is really quite simple.

The device does not cost a great deal.

This son helps his father with many projects.

The son has loved inventing machines since he was young.

All of the projects are funded by the company.

Money is committed to the company’s technological advancement.

This money often exceeds $1,000,000.

$1,000,000 is more than enough to keep many company employees and independent technical people well funded year round.

Money is spent to put my partner’s son through school.

It is wonderful that the money is put to good use.

It is wonderful that the money creates a profit for the company for which he works. 

One possible Answer:

My business partner who works in the office across from mine is promoting a product that will change the way in which people communicate at work. His son who is studying at MIT gave him the idea for this new device, which is really quite simple and does not cost a great deal. This son, who has loved inventing machines since he was young, helps his father with many projects, all of which are funded by the company. The money that is committed to the company’s technological advancement often exceeds $10,000,000, which is more than enough to keep many company employees and independent technical people well funded year round. It is wonderful that the money which is spent to put my partner’s son through school is put to good use and creates a profit for the company for which he works. 

            A little help for the SAT essay: At this point in learning about developing sentences for paragraphs, younger students who are soon to take the new SAT must better understand the different functions of a well-written paragraph, the best form of which is determined by its function. Though there are many techniques (often called modes of development) that serve the purpose of the paragraph, such as: cause and effect, comparison and contrast, process analysis, narration, description, argumentation, etc.., the main goal of most academic writing is to strongly express an opinion about something that has been learned. Needless to say, business is also stimulated by this organizational skill. In an argument, much like an editorial in a newspaper, the necessary functions are: an introduction, a thesis (strong opinion or statement of a problem), support (topic sentence), evidence, a concession (admitting that the opposing argument is true to some degree),  refutations (pointing out where the opposing argument is weak or wrong), a solution (possible answer to the problem), and of course a conclusion.

            The good news is that new SAT essay takers need not write a refutation, concession, or solution. The bad news is that the essay is still very difficult and must be written in only 25 minutes. The most important goal is to express an opinion (without considering other opinions) in a clearly supported and organized way. This usually includes an introduction, thesis, supporting evidence (personal experience, quotes, book plots and themes, current events in the news, etc…), and a conclusion. The College Board (www.collegeboard.com) has a great deal to teach about the new SAT. According to this test making board, an ideal score of 6 is described below: 

An essay in this category is outstanding, demonstrating clear and consistent mastery, although it may have a few minor errors. A typical essay

§         effectively and insightfully develops a point of view on the issue and demonstrates outstanding critical thinking, using clearly appropriate examples, reasons, and other evidence to support its position

§         is well organized and clearly focused, demonstrating clear coherence and smooth progression of ideas

§         exhibits skillful use of language, using a varied, accurate, and apt vocabulary

§         demonstrates meaningful variety in sentence structure

§         is free of most errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics  

            In order to both continue our understanding of sentences and help students who will soon take the new SAT, we should examine an essay that the College Board has published on its website and claims is of the very highest level. I agree that the writer, although not especially employing a strict academic style, is very clearly supporting his or her opinion. The topic, exactly as it appeared to the student, was this: 

Assignment: Are people motivated to achieve by personal satisfaction rather than by money or fame? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

            One example of a score of six is below. Notice how the writer uses the first person “I” in an effective way. Many writers choose to avoid the first person. We will analyse why this essay is effective next week in the New York Community Times. 

Example:

            Even though we live in a capitalist society, I still cannot help but believe, despite my own cynicism, that people are more motivated to achieve something for personal satisfaction rather than monetary gains. Look at Chekov's short story, "The Bet." A man agrees to sacrifice fifteen years of his life in prison in exchange for a million dollars. Obviously his motivation for such an extreme bet is wealth, but by the end of the prison sentence, the man could care less about the money. After years of introspection, of reading Shakespeare, The Bible, and textbooks, the man actually comes to despise the money he once sought; the money he signed away fifteen years of his life for. He does not collect his money from the banker, he runs away to be on his own and continue to live the life of solitude he has learned to love, free of money and possessions.

Also, in a psychology class, one of the first things students study when they come to the topic of motivation, is external stimulus versus personal drive. Any textbook will tell one that studies show that a child is more likely to put as much energy as possible into completing a task when it is something that makes him happy, than if he was doing it for a physical reward. A child is more likely to get good grades, if it makes him feel good about himself, than if his parents offer to pay him every time he makes the honor roll. I agree with this theory on motivation because I see it play out everyday in my life. If my older sister had been concerned with money and fame, which reality television tells us every night is important, she would have gone to college after graduating high school. She knew though, that school and learning did not make her happy, and she was not going to suffer through four more years of school just because a college degree could lead to a more successful job. Right now she does not make as much money at her job, but she likes her life and the way she lives; she has more fun answering phones and dealing with other people at work than she would behind a desk in a classroom. This past year I myself have been forced to look at my priorities as well. I have worked hard in school all my life and have made honor roll semester after semester, because I enjoy it. I have not filled up my schedule with classes I did not want because calculus and economics look good on a college transcript. I had a high enough GPA to join the National Honor Society, but I chose not to join because even though it might have impressed some admissions officers, it was not something that was going to make me happy. Instead I spend my time studying Creative Writing, Art History, and the other subjects I feel truly passionate about.

There is a pleasure principle in psychology, which basically means that one will do whatever will make them most happy or least unhappy. I think that is true, and I feel that the happiness most people seek out is not about money or luxury. Maybe it looks like that from the media, because advertising says that people want to be like Donald Trump, but that is not real life. Real life is my next door neighbor who gardens as a second job for small fees because he loves to be outside, working with his hands in the nice weather. I am sure no one would mind winning the lottery, but to say that it is our primary motivator in life is sad and untrue. A person who is happy and making minimum wage is likely to live longer than someone who spends his or her life working sixty four hour weeks at a stressful job to make money hand over fist. Are some people very driven by money? Yes. Is that more important than the personal satisfaction that comes from doing something good? Literature, psychology, and our personal lives tell us no, and I hope it stays that way.