SAT Essay Introductory Paragraphs

By: Sean Savoie 

            In order to continue helping students who are going to take the new SAT essay, we should examine some of the problems students encounter when writing such a high-pressure essay. When I wrote essays in high school, my biggest personal problem was that I analyzed the essay question too much. This is a common mistake for students who tend to ponder deep philosophical ideas and engage in verbal debate. Ironically, such students are often the most prepared to enter college life and tackle this type of essay because they think deeply about the core of issues that are likely to be raised on the new SAT. Let me give you an example of how this excessively-deep analysis of the essay question, particularly in the introduction, may create problems for the writer and lower the score of the essay even if it is very well written and clear. Look, once again, at the essay question used in some other pages of this site: 

Assignment: Are people motivated to achieve by personal satisfaction rather than by money or fame? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations. 

Faulty Example Introduction 1:

            “Although people are clearly motivated to make money, fame is a completely different thing. Fame and wealth often come hand-in-hand, yet sometimes a famous person does not earn a great deal of money and, conversely, rich people are often unknown to the public. A better way to understand the issue might be to consider whether people are motivated by a will to power or a desire to control their own lives. Furthermore, personal satisfaction, for many people, is specifically achieved by making a fortune. Therefore, another way of viewing this question may be more appropriate by asking to what degree a person’s achievement of personal satisfaction involves the attainment of wealth and/or fame.” 

            This introduction in response to the essay question is ineffective. Though the use of English is at a high level, and the writer shows depth and a desire to get to the core of the issue implied by the assignment, it creates a couple of problems that will surely lower the essay score. First, in picking apart the question, the writer has made his task of clearly addressing the issue much too complex. It will be nearly impossible for him to come back from such an introduction to answer all the new questions that have now been introduced into the main idea. Instead of answering the question, he is questioning the question. Secondly, a great deal of defining terms will be required to come to a strong opinion and conclusion. In a way, the writer is essentially avoiding answering the question. There is no time for this. In this essay, students must use their 25 minutes of writing time to directly answer the question. I encourage students to express some deep considerations in their response, but only when they relate directly to the answer of the basic assignment. 

            Another problem students often have when attempting to write an effective essay of this sort is the repeated use of the word “you”. This second person conversational style is not very acceptable because, in almost all cases, the students are required to form an opinion about a general situation that applies to a majority of people or situations. The use of the third person (he, she, it, they, him, her, them, etc…) helps create a more objective essay. Reading the assignment above, notice how the following introduction takes on an unacceptably informal tone and, as such, does not at all seem academic or objective. On the College Board website, www.collegeboard.com, the Board claims that it really doesn't mind the use of the word "you" in the essay. So this rule is not a very strict one; however, colleges and universities expect students to write more objective essays, which do not directly appeal to the reader, but rather focus on the subject and its support. But in the example below, you, meaning people in general, is overused. In such a case it is often better to change the grammatical subjects of the sentences to reflect the topics more specifically. 

Faulty Example Introduction 2:

            You know money is not everything and your freedom will be lost if you become famous. You need to consider what is really important in your life and find the satisfaction you need to give your life meaning. You will feel empty if all you have is money and you never looked to gain other fulfilling experiences and skill to give your life balance. 

This is not a letter to a friend; this is an academic essay to hopefully get you into a college of your choice. Notice how this rather simple introduction to the assignment can be greatly improved by using the third person point of view. Often the passive voice will help students to focus on the subject more than on the person who is doing the action. 

Improved Example Introduction 2:

            It is widely understood that money is not everything and freedom is all too often lost when one becomes famous. Careful consideration of what is really important in life and the search for what is necessary for a meaningful life are crucial. A feeling of emptiness is a common result of attaining only money; one must look to gain fulfilling experiences and skill to give life balance. 

            A third very common mistake is made when students very philosophically explain an opinion using their own strong opinions for support. The thesis, main idea of the essay, must be supported with facts or supported ideas. These facts may be in the form of personal experiences (not just feelings), quotes from more experienced people, statistics, historical events, and other facts learned in or out of school. The use of a series of examples or one extended example is almost always more effective than repeatedly writing, “ I think, I feel, I believe, in my opinion, for me, the way I see it, etc…” A well chosen example makes the writer’s task far easier because it makes the idea very clear to the reader as well as support the writer’s point. It is a great habit to think about many possible examples to support the main idea immediately upon seeing the assignment.